I am un-outre.

Update? NO!

2007-08-22T16:47:00.000+01:00

I haven't updated this blog for so long. There's really a reason why. First, most of the entries in this blog is part of the chapter of my life which needs to be closed. So going here, brings back some unwanted memories and feelings. That is why I am thinking of creating a new blog for a new beginning, a brand new page in my life.

Second, I've been really lazy these past few weeks. That's more than enough reason right? HAHA

So here's the long awaited update. I will of course inform you when I have a new blogger account. Thank you so much to every one who have shared the wonderful and painful moments in this chapter of my life. I need a fresh start and I hope you'd still be there whether to silently read or share your thoughts whichever is convenient for you. Just know that I appreciate it. I really do.

Hello to YOU too!

2007-06-12T00:50:00.000+01:00

I'm not back just yet. I can't give an update right at this moment because it's been over a month and too much has happened in that span of time. Some things I cannot even start to put into words. Maybe those are the things left unsaid or unshared. Whatever it is!

Since I started blogging I always felt like there's someone I can share my happiness, problems, randomness and my weird self with. Not quite sure what happened that changed that. I don't know what came over me that I'd rather lie on my bed, listen to my Ipod and absorb all the unfortunate events, savour the pain and misery on my own. Sigh.

I'm not making sense AGAIN which is the usual me. Not many people visits this blog anyway but this entry is for the very few people who wastes their time here. Thank you!

I promise a sensible and worth reading post before my vacation to Philippines. And ofcourse to pay your blogs a visit!

again

2007-04-15T20:06:00.000+01:00

I feel lost again. Confused. Tormented. Exhausted.

Lately, I'm not really getting myself. It's like I'm not in touch with my own feelings or thoughts anymore. I feel trapped in a body and life of a total stranger. Or maybe it's not really the case. Perhaps, it's because of my life itself, all the experiences and pain I've gone through, the happiness and tears I felt that I am becoming a different person. I'm still struggling to figure out which of the two it is but the latter one seems to be more feasable.

Okay, I've got nothing more. That quite covers how I feel. It's hard to write about some thing I don't fully understand just yet.

2007-04-09T18:29:00.000+01:00

I have nothing sensible to write today. Don't get me wrong I have too many rants, problems, worries, not-that-bad happenings, work to do that I can probably write about. But I don't feel like ranting right now or even sharing anything good, special or bad.

However, I think I'll let you on something. Lately, I've been keeping little things to myself. It may not sound like a big deal. But it is for me.

Four years ago, I was different. I didn't like sharing intimate feelings with other people. And by other people I mean my friends or family. I keep things to myself becuase I felt safer that way. From time to time, I let some of those feelings show. For instance, I'd show that I atleast give a damn about someone or at very special circumstances I'd show I really care. I never tell anyone how I truly feel. I always had this line between myself and the world. There were times I thoguht about crossing that line but I never dared.

Until one day, I grew up. I realised that it was fear that keeps me from getting close to the people around me. I was afraid to share a piece of me because I was afraid of the risk. The risk of rejection when ironically I was the one rejecting other people. I was doing to them what I am afraid of. I managed to change little by little. Gradually, I started to open up and took the risk that comes along with it. I didn't do it all by myself. It would so hypocritical of me if I take all the credit for being able to overcome my fear. Someone was the catalyst for my big change. From that someone, I learned my lesson the hard way. It paid off.

Right now I keep thinking, was it really worth it? Maybe I made a mistake thinking it was. Most of the things we do have down sides, right? So what's the down side of it? Getting hurt? Betrayal? Feeling more alone? Having someone who knows you too well?

But LIFE includes pain and betrayal. Failures and downfall. That even if I kept everything to myself, I won't be shielded from those things. I keep thinking about a lot of things. The things I did, things I am doing and things I will do. Then at night, I pray that I will have the strength to accept things in the past may it be good or bad, right or wrong and just focus on today. Because we all know that right now is what's important.

I said to that someone, "I feel like everybody I know is moving on and I'm stuck in here. Not exactly sure where but I cannot move forward."

Someone answered, "That's because you don't want to move forward. You think you do but in your heart and mind you already made your choice. You're stuck because you want to be. If you don't want it now, do something about it. You'll do everything you can to move forward, if you want it bad enough."

2007-04-01T20:02:00.000+01:00

I am currently taking a break from revision. I started revising at 1 pm and now it's 8 pm. Not that I've been studying for a straight 7 hours. I did have a breaks in between. Roughly, I've spent about 5 hours revising and now my brain is begging for a rest! Oh and my tummy is demanding for food.

Spring break already started. We broke up in college last Friday and classes will resume on the 17th of April. Quite a long break, isn't it? But it's not long enough for all the works and revision our very nice teachers bombarded us with. Why did they call it a break anyway?

Times really flies. I can't keep up with it. I am oh-so-nervous about the exams. But what's really bugging me is the 29th of JUNE. I'll tell you why even if you don't want to know. I will be going back to Philippines on that date for a 3-week vacation. I am not quite sure why I'm so nervous instead of being over-excited, which I thought I would be. I haven't seen my family and friends for almost 2 years now. However, it feels like it's been a half decade.

Maybe I am afraid that I won't be able to connect with them when we get to see each other. I'm scared that I'll be lost in their world and they'll be lost in mine. I feel like many things have changed and I'm not sure how to react or what to do in response to the changes. I know I'm being silly for worrying about this. But I'm silly and crazy. That's me! So this is not being silly or daft, it's just being me.

I do know that I have the choice whether to worry about everything that has changed or appreciate it and make do of what I have or we have. It's still up to me and even if I'm crazy I know the wise thing to do.

2007-03-27T23:36:00.000+01:00

Maraming taong namamatay sa maling AKALA.

Isang araw, magugulat ka na lang na kaya niya pa lang gawin yun sayo o sa ibang tao. Masyado ka kasing naging kampante sa paniniwalang hindi niya kaya, na hindi niya gagawin yun.

Isa lang ibig sabihin niyan, gaano mo man kakilala isang tao darating at darating yung pagkakataong mabibigla ka sa matutuklasan mo tungkol sa kanya, sa mga kaya niyang gawin at sa mga tinatago niya sa ilalim ng personalidad na akala mo kilalang-kilala mo na.

2007-03-22T17:59:00.000Z

The optimism didn't last for long. It went away quicker than it lasted. But I'm not disappointed because this only means I AM BACK in reality. In the real world where too much optimism is dangerous.

I'd say I am a born pessimist. It is easier for me to think about negative things simply because I am afraid to actually hope for the good ones to happen. Most of the time, it is too much to hope for. Though this mostly applies to my buhay pag-ibig. I think about the worst that could happen believing that by doing so I will be prepared. That it will somehow soften the blow. But most of the time it doesn't. No matter how much I think it would hurt, I do know that I'll never have an idea until it happens. Often it hurts a hell of lot more than I've imagined.

In LOVE, one can't be too optimistic because love is not only about happy days or romantic moments. It is more about sacrifices, compromise and the struggle to hold on to each other even if letting go or giving up offers the easy way out.

One can't be too pessimistic either otherwise he/she would miss the happy days, those romantic moments and all the good things that do happen when you're in love.

You've got to have a bit of both when it comes to lurrve.

But for me, being 89.25% pessmist and 10.75% optimist works better. *wink*

2007-03-14T11:50:00.000Z

I can't contain it any longer.

It amazes me so much how a simple message, a simple but sincere SORRY can make a big difference. It made me cry instead of feeling proud that I am right. The feeling is overwhelming in an inexplicable way. Or maybe I just don't know how to put it into words.

Just when I thought that all hope and chances were lost, things are starting to turn around. In a good way ofcourse. My heart melted. All pain washed away by a few words of sincerity. After what feels like a lifetime of being neglected, you picked me up and made me realise you never intended what happened. I think it is safe to say, I feel loved again.

2007-03-12T17:41:00.000Z

I'm back (for now) in the blogging world. PARIS trip was great. I had a lot of fun and took not so many pictures. It's all in my friendster account. I did took a lot but then deleted the crappy ones which is most of them. LOL

After being in the dreamy faraway land, I'm back in the real world. College is oh-so-busy. I got the results of my January modular exams.

ACCOUNTING - A (100)
MATH - A (90)
BUSINESS STUDIES - B (69)

I'm not really happy since I was hoping for 3 A's. But I know that I did my best. It's not the final grade yet so I still have a chance to improve. I need to get my act together and focus more on my studies. I do know I'm not really putting enough hard work and effort in to it. I just know I could do better. Therefore, I have decided (and I am determined to stick by it) to spend less time on the internet. Use my time more effectively by revising and enhancing my exam skills. I need to PRACTICE PRACTICE and PRACTICE. Wish me luck guys.

Lately, my priorities are all over the place. I think it's time to get it straight and get back on track. I have said what I am planning to do about my studies. Another thing I want to do is to SAVE (which is harder than studying. LOL). I'd get more shifts at work and try like hell not to be tempted to go shopping. After college/work, go straight home. Never walk around town because SALES are everywhere. You think you'll be saving because its SALE, for chrissake. But NO. You or should I say I end spending even more when there's a bargain because I have this tendency to buy most of the stuff thinking I'll never get it at that low price EVER AGAIN. Temptations are everywhere. So if you've got any other better tips to help me save, then please tell me.

At last, I willed myself to clean my room. I gave my room a general cleaning. YEY! It doesn't look like a pigsty now. It's an achievement for me. HURRAH. Ang babaw ko talaga!

2007-03-03T21:22:00.000Z

I'm just here to say that I will be on hiatus for awhile. It's not because I'll be busy or I'm taking a time off. It's just I don't know if I can access a computer when I go to Paris. YES! I'm going to PARIS tomorrow. We'll stay there till Wednesday.

I'll try to take as much pictures as I can. Thanks for always visiting my blog! :)

2007-02-25T22:13:00.000Z

Senti-mode. OKay so I haven't updated this blog for awhile. Been busy as usual. I was about to write an entry a few days ago about ME taking an online leave! But nah. I already scratched it off my never-ending to-do list.

I went out last night. Went clubbing with my friends. So it was really my first night out since I came here, excluding the staff xmas party in this other club last year. This one is not great but not that bad as well. I had a tequila shot and was about to get a vodka with diet coke. Unfortunately, there were too many people on the bar and I couldn't be bothered waiting there for ages.

In just a span of one day, I spent a hundred quid just to go out (£100). I will never be able to save. *sigh* I left the house at 8pm to go to my friend's house. I booked a taxi because I've never been to her place. When I arrived there, she introduced me to her family. She's Burmese by the way. They were all very nice. Then she invited me to her room because she still needs to do her make-up. I had to book a taxi after 5 minutes of sitting on her bed because the STUPID me forgot to bring an id!

So you would think I would know that. You have to bring an id in order to get in to clubs. I was so glammed up, spent ridiculous money on clothes just to end up looking and feeling so stupid. I mean seriously, can I get any dumb-er than this? My friend was like "Oh don't worry. It's totally my fault I should have told you." I bet that's not what's on her mind. I was so embarrased but I managed to suck it up. What else could I do?

I never felt that disconnected from the world until that night. I know what to expect. But I didn't really feel I belong there. Where do you think I belong? I know it is too early to say that clubbing is not for me. But right now, it really isn't. Atleast I knew 2 or 3 songs from the dj's playlist that whole night. I tried my best to move my stiff body and make it look like I am dancing. Half of the time I was worrying that my friends and other people would realise that I am faking it. Honestly, nobody would care because half of the people there only cares about getting pissed. They won't mid a trying hard loser.

I didn't like the songs. I am never really the type who listens to dance music. I'm more of a dashboard-mudvayne-freestyle-hale-kenny g-beatles sort of person. I've heard songs of Nelly Furtado, Neyo but never actually listened to them, if you know what I mean. It was already hard for me to dance because I didn't have the grace then I had to dance with some music I haven't even heard of. I felt like I was from another planet. Then again, there is a big chance that I am.

I am not upset. I just felt really different. This is who I am. As much as I would like to be that cool person who parties hard and knows almost all clubs in town, I'm really not. I won't try to be. I still love the alien-retarded me. It rhymes! HAHAHAHA

2007-02-17T23:37:00.000Z

What to write? What to write? Come on you, there's so many things you can write about, right *or left*? Okay, don't try to be funny because no one's gonna buy it. You do know that!

I can write another depressing entry or rant about the things that needs to be done. Or maybe how homesick I am and how the faintest chance of visiting home *emphasize, on VISITING my dear PARENTS* is starting to go down the drain. HELP ME!

How about heart matters? Don't make me go there. Yes, there!

So to sum it up, MY LIFE IS MISERABLE, DEPRESSING and everything else you could think of!

You've just wasted 3-5 minutes of your life reading how my life is starting to go to waste.

I am such a pessimist. Booooooo ME! VOTE WISELY! *It doesn't have anything to do with the enrty but it sounds nice to me. HA-HA-HA!*

*edited*

Then *ERASED*

2007-02-14T16:26:00.000Z

It seems like I feel all the LOVE right now. But not really! I'm not celebrating Valentines like half of the world does.

I just love the layout. Colours and everything. This is my second time to use a Damien Lockheart creation. His skins are all lovely and lovely. Thanks to his ever wonderful talent! You may want to visit his portfolio to see we're I'm coming from. And if you don't share the same enthusiasm after seeing his works, then it's FINE. We all have our own tastes and preferences.

I've got no interesting update. I'm staying in front of my laptop for the rest of the day. That's my plan. I'm not going to attend the revision class at work. Why? It's B-O-R-I-N-G.

And oh, visit this site as well: Quotes Haven
Been reading quotes and jokes there since last night. It'll make you say AWWW and the jokes will crack you up.Well that depends if you're as shallow as I am. But the site is really cool.

2007-02-08T21:21:00.000Z

I am so tired with all of this. What else do I have to fucking do?

You never had a problem with me in terms of grades, studies, school. I always get the best grades, the medals, the awards. The only mistake, my biggest ever mistake (according to both of you) was falling in love with a guy who is NOT GOOD ENOUGH. A guy who can never pass your standards. The irony is, you were just like HIM before. Is that why you just hate him so much? Is that it?

And now, now you're penalising me for that. For liking someone who is just like you. You won't allow me to go home and see my family. Let me tell you what goes on in your twisted head. You think, NO you believe that when I do go home, I will see him every day, have sex with him every minute (if ever that's possible), get pregnant and have 14 more babies. Isn't that the story of my life that you carefully crafted in that head of yours?

Are you concerned? Is it just out of love? Or are you afraid that I'll end up doing what you two did? I bet you think I understand what you did. That there is a justification for such an act. But the truth is, there is NONE. Tough.

You're a hypocrite. Yes, you are my flesh and blood. But that doesn't necessarily mean I will make the same fucking mistakes. Give me a little more credit. Do you think my dream is just to have sex and get pregnant? Do you think that that's my goal in life? Do you ever listen to any word I say?

Fuck this life! I already feel like shit and an added bonus was you treating me like shit. I was the black sheep and HURRAH for that! Are you happy now? Go celebrate! REJOICE FOR THE MISERY OF YOUR DAUGTHER.

Thank you very much my dearest DAD.

2007-02-07T20:11:00.000Z

Today is nothing but awful. Disastrous and fcked up!

Because. . .

-I have a freakin' cold and my throat hurts like hell. That is why I didn't go to the business seminar in college today. I feel like shit! Seriously.

-Even if I feel ill, I did some cleaning around the house. It was boring so I decided to clean up. Maybe it's because of the cold. The last time I cleaned our house was ages ago. So my parents we're like WHOA, What gotten in to you? Savour it Mom because this may never happen again! I do clean my room every once awhile though.

-I had a fight with my brother. He annoyed the hell out of me. He was so pissed off because he had to do a presentation in class tomorrow. My mom asked me to help him so I tried. I have no patience teaching and it's no secret to them. And then I lost it because he wasn't even trying to help himself. I pinched him so hard and shouted. Guess what happened next? They ganged up on me. I wish so hard that his presentation will go BLAH! I hate him. LOSER!

-I am a bitch today. YES YES I AM. I get all worked up by small things. I mean really petty things. Blame it on the colds! Psssh. But who I am kidding? This is a part of my not-so-nice attitude. We all have a dark side, right? I guess I have to work on it.

If there's anything I have learned today, THAT IS NEVER HELP MY SORE LOSER BROTHER EVER AGAIN. Of course I am just saying this today. You might be thinking that I am the worst sister ever. I really have an issue with them when they me ask to help him with his homeworks. They expect me to just hand out the answers to him. But that's not what HELP means, right? I don't feel right about it. And I rarely see his intiative to learn and help himself. Maybe I am a bad sister and no one will ever want me as a sibling. Believe you and me, I do want him to learn on his own. I know I have to work on my ways and patience but he has some issues to work on too!

2007-02-01T19:39:00.000Z

From left to right: Ate Kres, Patty and JM

I miss them so much! DAMN!!

I want to go home. *sobs*

2007-01-28T22:31:00.000Z

"Today is gonna be the day that they are gonna throw it back to you."

I was in KITCHEN today. I won't say it's easy. It's different from tills of course. There are just a few foods I don't know how to make. I'm getting the hang of it though. And thank God, I haven't burnt myself yet. LOL I agreed to go in the kitchen because Sunday is not really a busy day. But I won't dream of it during Saturdays or Bank Holidays. I know I needed to learn it because by the end of February I'm gonna be taking my FM exam. I have my revision pack and when I first looked at it I was completely lost. Now at least I understand bits of it. Oh SHORTENING and VAT bewildered me. When we were revising the other day I just couldn't resist but ask. I didn't know what the hell they are. Then I found out that those words just refer to OIL. Geez! Pardon my ignorance.

I've got loads of work to do. LOADS. I haven't even started anything. I am blogging instead of doing my MEDIA ESSAY due on Tuesday. I know that later I am going to watch tv instead of trying to understand my STATS homework. I skipped my MATH lesson last Friday. I couldn't drag my ass out of bed. Not good enough, young lady! My BUSINESS homework which is due on Thursday is more likely to be done on Wednesday night. My ACCOUNTS homework is due tomorrow. I should have finished it in class last Friday but I was busy talking to my friend and wasted an hour chatting about random things. I will surely be cramming after I am done with this entry. But at least I get to blog. As if I have readers! I was about to write something like I-don't-give-damn-or-shit speech. But I changed my mind. Honestly, I do not!

I got tagged by my dear REYN. So I have to tell you (whoever you are) 5 SECRETS.

1. Just now when I am writing this entry did I realise that I have an accounting homework.

2. I have a crush on my friend's boyfriend. Not really a close friend. But she is really nice to me. She's a friend from work by the way. It's not a big deal right? And oh I still have the hots for my accounts teacher. Maybe that's why I never get bored in his lesson. I just realised it now. LOL

3. I look thorugh my brother's email and found out that his password for his PICZO account is HANNAH. The girl we're teasing him to. I am EVIL. He's going to kill me if he found out. I am telling my mom later.

4. I still LOVE him. Enough said.

5. Been staying up late this past few days which led to watching some erotic movies on telly. I know your eyebrows are probably reaching your forehead by now. You can either suck it up or leave. Read the DISCLAIMER. Two girls rubbing and touching each other. I was surprisingly not grossed out by that. But thinking about two guys doing it. It messes with my head. Really.
I am going to end this entry right now. It's 21 minutes past 10. I've got to get my ass working ! Chara!!

"I said maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me."

-Wonderwall-

2007-01-22T12:02:00.000Z

"Kill me now. Shoot me in the head. NOW. PLEASE!"

OMG. BUSINESS lesson kills. I thought I was going to die. Not because it was difficult. It was so BOOOORRRRIIIIIIINNNNNG. Then she put us into groups which made my day even more dreadful. Gawd! Okay, I admit I hate working in groups because I work on my own more EFFECTIVELY. I like to be in control of things. But not in a control-freak level if you know what I mean.

I just want to go home. Go to bed. Eat loads of food. Procastinate. That's what I want to do. But NAH! I've done it too many times. LOL

The best subject is saved for last today. MATH. Series and sequences. Interesting but my teacher's voice makes want to go to sleep. So yeah it'll be like the usual.

And oh, this girl in my business class which I neither like nor dislike talked to me. It was not really a talk coz she just asked me a question. She asked me if I have a boyfriend? Firm NO is what she got. They were talking about VALENTINES day. What to get him, what to get her. She just want to get an idea from me. Apparently I'm no use to her. Besides I'm not good with gift ideas either.

So there is the heart talk. I was never a fan of VALENTINES anyway. What makes it different from any other day? Am I being bitter? NO! Or maybe I am. Whatever!

P.S.

There's a problem with Teentalk AGAIN. Really a great and fantastic day today, won't you agree?

2007-01-18T00:56:00.000Z

He breaks my heart and hurts me more than any one else could. He does things unintentionally that causes me pain, too much to bear. But the irony lies on the fact that he also makes me happier than ever. Is it just irony of love or I'm just really messed up? Whatever it is I don't want to figure out. Who gives a damn anyway?

I am HAPPY with who I am, who I'm with and what I've got. Finally I could say that I am satisified with what I have right now. It's a nice feeling because I haven't felt like this in a long time. I can confidently say that if tomorrow's a mess I don't have to be so worried coz in the end everything will be okay. It's how life works. I just have to have STRONG FAITH in HIM. 'Cause I know in every struggle and downfall I've been through, HE was the only one who never left. HE stayed with me. That despite of all my flaws and shortcomings, HE didn't abandon me and HE never will. PRAYER is the best weapon to fight and survive through life.

GOD BLESS YOU ALL! :D

2007-01-12T23:11:00.000Z

CONTINUATION. . .

I made up my mind. If you've been reading this blog you will know what I made up my mind for. I have set my mind and all my energy in to pursuing a degree instead of going staright to work after my A-levels.

YES it will be expensive. YES it will be hard. OF COURSE it will take time. But then I think the sense of fulfilment and satisfaction that it will bring to me will exceed those things, provided I do my very best in the field that I choose. ACCOUNTANCY.

My passion for the subject was born a long time ago. It is becoming deeper as I continue to study it further. The simple dream I had is starting to become more detailed as time passes by. I know this won't be easy. But I have to learn to befriend the challenge in order to triumph over it.

-END-

2007-01-06T23:50:00.000Z

Let me start this entry by telling you how monotonous my day was. I woke up early because my shift was 7-3. I went home an hour early though. Before I went home, I bought essentials for me such as clear mascara, moisturiser, deo spray, shower gel and bath sponge. Kulang pa nga yun kaya lang short na pera ko eh. LOL

When I got home, I went straight to my bed and slept till 7 PM. I woke up. Took a bath and shouted at my brother because he won't give me back my laptop. Usapan na namen na 7PM ako na gagamit eh. Coz I need to get my coursework done before Tuesday. Kaya ayun nag-away kami. In the end, I took it from him even if he's not finished with the stupid programme he's watching.

So far, I am making progress with my essay. My first draft got an A grade but there are a few more things I need to elaborate on to improve my grade. Final draft is due on the 10th. You might be thinking so why am I rushing it? Because I've got exams on the 10th and 11th and I want to use my time on Monday and Tuesday to revise. I am not finished with the essay yet. My mind went blank so I decided to read this particular news about cheap flights in relation to overseas property prices going up. It may not be appealing to you but it made me interested because of my plans of going home this year.

Started reading the news and found out that the cheap flights are only flights from UK to other EU countries. It said that prices of properties near airports with low-cost airlines are currently rising. I am not going to bore you with the statistical details and forecasts about this certain issue because I assume that this particular topic doesn't raise the same level of interest in you as it does to me.

Another article that caught my attention was entitled, ARE DEGREES STILL WORTH IT? Here in UK, students who want to go on to higher education after college can avail student and maintenance loan from the government.The amount depends on different factors such as gross income of parents, duration of the course, the place and university etc. I filled up a form thingy online to estimate how much loan I can get and the result is - £6,351. I presume that it is per year since the tuition fee alone amounts to a staggering £3000 per year. Good thing about this is you don't have to pay any of it unless you're annual income is atleast £15,000. After 25 years and you still have some debts left, it will be written off.

When I first heard about this financial help for student, naisip ko kagad sana merong ganito sa Pinas. Young people here, in my opinion, does not value education as much as most young Filipinos I know. Here, they have an allowance from the government of an average of £30 a week plus bonuses as long as they attend the lessons and classes they are enrolled to. Parang bang binabayaran sila para mag-aral. Most of them don't realise how fortunate they are. Haay.

So basically, when I go to university my mom and dad will not have to worry about any tuition fees. They will just help me out with other finances like day-to-day expenses and the like. It is, I think is so much help to them. Kasi kung ico-compare yung gastos kung pinayagan akong mag-aral sa Pinas, malaki talaga ang natipid nila saken dito.

I still have a lot of concerns about my plans of going to university.

TO BE CONTINUED. . . .

2007-01-01T00:08:00.000Z

A brand new year is officially here. I am currently watching NEW YEAR LIVE, an amazing fireworks show in London. I cannot say I'm happy but I'm not sad either. I don't know. I just wish I wouldn't feel like this for the whole year. I'm kinda in the mood of going back to what happened to me last year. All the emo moments, new things, new friends, challenges and all. But I'm not going to.

All I want to do is to look forward now and face whatever it is the future holds for me. I will try my best to be a better me. I can do it in a lot ways but I guess I will start by accepting and appreciating what I have and where I am right now. I know I haven't really been grateful since I came here and I did not give enough apreciation to the good things that happened to me. I don't even acknowledge them because I am too stubborn to accept that life brought me to a place I didn't exactly planned to be. And I'll stop planning too much as well that is if I can help it. I am this kind of person who thinks ahead a lot. I am inflexible. I cannot face changes head on. But I will try to be more open to whatever surprises life brings. This year and hopefully for the years to come.

So yeah I miss my family back home. Mas masaya naman talaga ang New Year sa Pinas. Or maybe mas masaya talaga nai-celebrate this kind of holiday at HOME. I guess when I left, I left my heart behind. And for the past year I have been trying so hard to get it back. My effort seems to be in vain most of the time. But what the heck I am feeling hopeful right now!

I was disappointed yesterday because I didn't get to greet my granma on her birthday. Hindi naman kasi ako maka-contact eh. I've been calling the landline for more than 2 hours and I can't get through. I'll try again later kahit belated na. I don't want her to think that I forgot about her birthday.

I haven't come up with a detailed New Year's resolution because when I do I end up not doing it anyway. So a few years ago I decided to stop making resolutions. Siguro yung mga sinabi ko kanina parang resolutions na rin. Ah basta. Naguguluhan tuloy ako eh. LOL

I hope you all had a good start for this year. HAPPY NEW YEAR! Thank you for giving up some of your precious time being a part of my life by reading my blog.

2006-12-20T23:39:00.000Z

I don't know what is it between us. What I do know is I do not have any assurance if you'd still be there each day I wake up. Or if you feel the same way as I do when you go to sleep. People would probably call me stupid or martyr perhaps because I'm still holding on to us - and only GOD knows whatever it is that exists between us.

I am sure of how I feel. It never changed even the day you left me. No matter how much I wanted to turn my back on you, I just couldn't.

People expect me to be smart all the time just because I do well in school. I get top grades and I never fail to make it on the top three. And it makes them think that in a way I'm not allowed to make mistakes or that it's unforgivable if I did something stupid. They tend to forget that I am a human being with feelings and that mistake is a part of my life too just as it is part of theirs. They only see me as an intelligent girl - nothing more! So maybe it is stupid for holding on to you, that I should have been more careful with the decisions that I make.

But I won't be ashamed to say that I'll stay and I still love you. It never really changed. The feelings I have right now is the same feelings I felt THREE YEARS AGO. It doesn't seem right to greet you a "HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY" but you said it first. So maybe it's safe to answer you back with, "HAPPY THIRD ANNIVERSARY TOO".

2006-12-15T21:37:00.000Z

My head is all over the place. Too much of everything I guess. I miss my blog and all you people who visit me.

Holidays is stressing enough because of all the presents I have to buy. It's not buying that is stressing, it's the money. I didnt work much hours last few weeks so I'm skint. I managed to buy my mom and my sister their presents. But I still have to buy gifts for my dad, brother and inaanak. I am really stressed out because that means I have to get money out of my savings to buy them presents. Arrrrgggghhhh

On top of all my financial issues at the moment, I have so much revision to do. I have myself to blame for that because I procastinated too much. I've got three exams on January. You would think that it's not that much, but trust me it is! Those are major exams, very crucial for my final grades. I had my performance report and I got all 1's and A's in all my subjects. The A's are just predicted grades based on my current performance. PRESSURE PRESSURE PRESSURE. I am so pressed. LOL

Add my work to the list of stressful things. I will work 36 hours next week. I don't want to but I need to or else I won't be able to save money which I really need for summer next year. *sigh*

I will post a more sensible and perhaps more interesting post when I'm not that busy.

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE."

2006-11-29T21:21:00.000Z

Nothing interesting happened except for LIFE treating my like shit. What's new with that? It seems like everything is not going the way I planned it. I know about everything-will-not-go-my-way lesson so don't start telling me about that shit because I am sick of it.

I'm not so dumb not to realise that things could get messy even if I have the best plan ever. It's just that everything seems to go wrong right now. And I just want one mess at a time because there's just so much that I could handle. I mean, can't someone give me a freakin' break?

Let's start off with my beloved phone. The hard drive got corrupted. All images and music files lost and I freaked out. I cursed all day yesterday 'cause even if nobody cares to text me, I need my phone for music. It just started with images not showing up in the gallery then all my files corrupted, GONE. So what did I do? Went to the Nokia N91 site for technical support and I couldn't find anything useful there. I formatted the drive for about 3 or 4 times, that option (formating) is available in my phone. One thing to be thankful for so that I wouldn't have to go through all the trouble taking it to a technician for re-formatting. I restored the original settings still nothing happened. When I decided to hit the sack, I hopelessly tried to format it again and VIOLA! It said the greatest message I ever read that crappy day, REFORMATTING COMPLETED. I got the hard drive cleaned up. So to sum it up I got it all sorted out after freaking out and crying. Yes I did cry because of it.

Shitty things doesn't stop there. Today, I found out that I might not be able to go to our Paris trip for next year. I already paid my deposit and if the Fench Embassy won't let me travel I wouldn't get my money back. I called the embassy and this lady shouted at me. Yes that fucking French woman shouted at me. Could my day get any worse? I was so nice to her and I just didn't hear her properly. She was so rude, very rude. I was about to ask her a question then she just cut me off and connected me to some automated telephone message. I swear if I see her I'll pull her hair and make her eat a ton of FRENCH FRIES till she puke and die. I am not this rude but if someone gets nasty with me than I'll be nasty-ier. Is there such a word? And please don't mind the french fries thing. It's a stupid idea. LOL So I hope my tutor would be in tomorrow because I need her to help me in sorting this out!

I'll leave you with this random pic. I was just so happy because my phone is not broken! :D

2006-11-25T21:45:00.000Z

RATED R entry. Don't say I didn't warn you. I love saying, "I TOLD YOU SO!"

I am tired. I mean really tired. Five days of college, with the added cramming and freaking out for the approaching exams, which is very crucial if I want to have a future and move out of my parents' house. Then my fun weekend of work, involving 14 hours of dealing with not-so-nice-hungry people. And of course don't forget all the emotions, emo-ness of my dull life.

I've had episodes all throught out this week. I am actually wearing a grin on my face. :) This is because of the episodes. So what about it, you might ask. Thrusday is my peborit day because I get to see and fantasise about McDreamy and McSteamy. Thank goodness he's finally in the series, oh McSteamy. For those of you who doesn't know, I'm talking about Grey's Anatomy (Season 2). Do I have to say I love the show?

In the last episode, they had this patient who has spontaneous orgasms every single day for the past six months of her life. Izzie thinks it's great. Most people would think so, at first. Yes I am one of 'those people'. Don't look at me like I'm some kind of a dirty biatch. It's great in a way but really 8 times everyday is NOT good apparently. I am just being real, so don't hate. She and her dad calls it episodes. That's where I got it but mine is not spontaneous orgasms, so you can calm down and wipe that dirty and judgemental look on your face.

My episodes would be spontaneous and overwhelming emotions. No eloboration! This is all I have to rant today. The RATED R is not really for how I came about the episodes. It's for being REAL.

I found HIM again

2006-11-19T20:30:00.000Z

WARNING: This is long and may bore you to death. But this is my struggle to live life and how I try to survive all the pain and complications thrown at me every time.

When you lost your self in loving someone, you struggle to find it, to get it back. It's because you've neglected your own self just for a certain person you thought would always be there or you hope that would always be there. Then it will just hit you hard. The realization that you should have never let that happen - the part when you lost your own being, your sense of self.

You're hurt. You're lost. You're in pain. People you love will comfort you and help you to the best they can. But at the end of the day, you still feel all alone. You feel like you're the most miserable person alive. That's how it is, atleast for me.

There's not a day that gone by, that I didn't feel like I'm going through this rough time on my own. Nobody was there to hold out their hand whenever I stumble. I will just bury myself in tears till I'm drowning in pain. That even if I cried an ocean of tears, the pain never goes away. It doesn't go away. They all say the wounds will heal eventually. I will get over him eventually. Someday I will meet someone more deserving. But those things don't make any difference - not right now because it all hurts the same in the end.

I feel like this moving on thing is a futile effort. Where am I moving on anyway? What if it's only to another day of heartache and pain then I have to do it all over again. I love. He'll say he loves me then he leaves. I cry. He's fine. I move on. I find someone and I love again. Then he leaves AGAIN, just like before. What if it's an endless cycle of hoping for someone and losing him in the end, giving and risking my heart just for him to break it and hand it back to me in shattered pieces leaving me a daunting and almost impossible task of stitching it back together. This is how hopeless I have been.

I am not like this. I used to think that no matter how worst today is tomorrow would be better a day. I used to believe that even if the one I love leaves me behind, some one out there is especially made to love me and to take care of me. I don't know how it all changed. I'm not sure but all I can remember was a night when I am crying and I just thought. . .maybe I AM DESTINED TO BE ALONE. Maybe that is my fate in this life time. In that short span of time, my faintest hope disappeared in the darkness. I cried even more till I was taken away in to slumber. The only few hours where I can find a little peace, or so I thought.

I started talking to HIM after a long time. YES a long time. It's not that I turned my back on HIM. I just didn't have a real conversation with HIM for so long. And because I have no one else to run to, I realized that HE's all I've got. I just ramble and rant about every thing that is happening to me. I know HE knows what I am going through but I also know that HE listens. I strayed away from HIM for all sort of reasons. And I thought maybe this is HIS way of showing me and making me realize, that as I go through life HE will be the only one that will never ever leave me.

I still feel hopeless about that certain aspect of my life and it makes me sad to think that I can be successful in the future I can reach all my dreams but have no special someone to share those joys with, that I won't be able to experience what this quote is saying:

You know what happiness is? It's waking up in the middle of the night, shifting blankets and feeling the heat of the person next to you. You turn around and you see that person in his most innocent state. You smile, kiss the face gently so as not to awake that person. You turn around and a grin forms on your face. Then, you feel an arm wrapped around your waist, and you know it doesn't get any better than this.

But atleast right now, I know I am not alone. I have GOD with me even at this hopeless stage in my life. GOD has the best laid plans for each one of us. In time, hope will just spring up from nowhere and I will start believing AGAIN.

BS!

2006-11-14T00:16:00.000Z

Do you believe when someone tells you that they will ALWAYS be there for you? That's pure BULL SHIT! Nobody can be there for someone ALL the TIME, not ALWAYS. So when people you love tells you that, don't take it literally. Do not, I repeat do NOT expect that every single time you're in NEED, they will come running to save you. Even Clark Kent cannot be everybody's hero. You might want to keep that in mind. It'll save you the tears and disappointment of being let down.

If you make a mess, don't expect other people to clean it up for you. Get your lazy ass working and do it yourself. When you're all fucked up, admit it then do something about it. You will not get anywhere by sulking and feeling sorry for yourself. If you always think like a victim, then eventually you will become one. What you set you're mind into is what will probably happen. You're not yet a loser unless you think and act like one.

What am I trying to point out here? Isn't it abvious? Do I really have to spell it out for you? Have people gone that naive? Have you?

~o~

I made this entry to help me when I'm feeling like crap.

HELP

2006-11-12T21:59:00.000Z

Lapit na birthday ng tatay ko. Actually sa Thursday na siya and till now I don't have a gift for him. I can't really come up with a great gift idea. Haaay

When I asked him what gift he would like for his birthday, he answered me with this, "Magbait ka lang, tama na saken yun." I find it a little bit harsh kasi ang alam ko mabait naman ako. Pero nagtawanan lang kami. Ano nga kayang magandang gift sa kanya?

Here are my 3 fab ideas:

-MP3 with his favourite songs in it. Mahilig kasi siya sa music eh.
-Shirt. He likes gray-coloured shirts.
-CARD. Cheap but thoughtful, right?

If ever anyone is reading my blog, please help me decide which one. And syempre you're welcome to make suggestions.

WORK!

2006-11-11T17:10:00.000Z

I worked today as what I normally do on my Saturdays. How exciting is it? lol I'm a bit tired but not really. It was horrible today because it was really busy. People are like swarm of locusts attacking us. Nice simile I got there. :)

So what else is there to blog about me? Well last night, I cried my eyes out. What's new with that anyway? I just felt homesick and so alone. I miss him, my friends and family. I still dwell on my WHAT IF's. This is what I hate about holidays season approaching, it makes me more depressed and makes me go nuts missing my family and friends. You might think that something must really be wrong with me because I'm not a Christmas/New Year lover. I don't really hate it. HATE is such a strong word. I still love Christmas and New Year but not as much as I used to.

When I was back home, I spend Christmas with my family. I always try to complete the simbang gabi and make a wish on the last day. On Christmas day, I spent half of the day staying in my Nana's house (my grandma, paternal side). And ofcourse we go to church. We always attend the second mass at 9:30 AM except for my grandma. She is more of first mass person. The other half of the day is spent at my Mapo' house (my grandma, maternal side). Maybe you have noticed that I don't call my lolas LOLA. :D The maternal side of my family is bigger because I have more than 20 cousins. Almost all of us were together every Christmas. So imagine how crazy it is in our house?

NEW YEAR is more fun. I can't really explain why. All the fireworks, the crazy things me and my cousins do. The loud music, the food. Everything just makes it special. I remember how we all try to reach someone before 12 just to say HAPPY NEW YEAR, how annoyed I am when I can't get through. Happy memories, moments I thought I would always experience.

Then, I came here. Everything changed. I was alone last Christmas. I spent half of the day talking to my family on the phone crying. I was in my panjamas all day. New Year was no different. I was at my room at 12:00 watching the fireworks on my window till 12:05 while tears came running non-stop. I cried myself to sleep.

Maybe now will be a little bit different because my bro and sis is here. And we are going to spend Christmas with other Filipinos. So maybe it won't be that bad. But it doesn't make me feel any better right now. I just wish it would pass by quickly, that I would never notice it at all. It's still hard when holidays come. Even if I'm with my family, there's still a void in my heart. I promise I would try, I just wish someone would promise me that it won't always be like this, that there will come a time when that void will disappear.

NO CLASSES on FRIDAY

2006-11-08T21:49:00.000Z

YEY! Walang pasok. HAHAHA =)

Para pa rin akong bata. Well it's nice naman kasi to have an extra day off from college. Who wouldn't agree with me? Siguro super agree saken mga friends ko na nagco-college sa Pinas. I'm not really busy compared to college students sa Phil. In fact, I only have 4 subjects. 3 majors and I have them four times in a week. Magulo kasi dito eh. At the moment, I am on the 1st year of my A-levels. That's a requirement kasi before I could go into university and study a degree. So pagtapos na mga friends ko, my heads is still buried in books. lol

Here's what I am studying right now:

Accounts - Use of RATIO ANALYSIS in assessing business performance
Business Studies - UK market and business cycle
Maths - Using transformation in sketching curve functions ( I hate curve sketching w/ PASSION. )
GCSE English - Media coursework about Of Mice and Men by John Steinback

So ayan. Kung may alam kayo sa mga yan sabihin niyo saken ha. Para naman pag may homework ako matanong ko kayo. =)

I have to endure one more year of college before I could further my studies. Ngayon pa nga lang masyado na akong excited pag nag-uni na ako. I am planning to go to University of Manchester and take up either BAEcon in Accounting or BA in Accounting w/ Business Information Systems. Duration of both degree courses is 3 years. Mahaba pa lalakbayin ko bago makatapos.

Adavance talaga ang utak ko. Not in terms of intelligence ha. I mean I think about the future a lot and what I have to do and have to be by then. Pag kasi tapos na ako at may good earning job na, I will move out and rent my own flat. Then save ng money to buy my own car. I think that far ahead. Kaya nga I know I have to work HARD if I am to have that own flat and car in the future. It won't be that easy that's for sure. But I am more than willing to give my all to achieve those things. Nothing is certain pa naman eh. Pwede pa magbago isip ko pero sa ngayon yan ang goals na naka-set in my heart and mind. BE INDEPENDENT and SELF-SUFFICIENT.

tiring

2006-11-06T21:32:00.000Z

I am emotionally drained out. I can tolerate physical exhaustion more effectively than this. So here I am again. DRAMA EMO DRAMA EMO. If I'm not like this then I'm definitely not Anne. Someone once told me that. He is right because this what makes me 'ME'. Please don't think that drama and chessy-ness is all that there is to me. I must admit it's big part of who I am, of my soft or what I prefer to call weak side, but it's NOT the whole ME. Am I making sense?

Past few days was tiring. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. But I think tiring quite covers how I feel. The weird me is wondering what am I really here for. That is because I feel like I don't affect the lives of those I love. What I mean is, if one day I'll be gone they will all just be fine. I don't think that I feel it and it hurts. I need them to need me back. Maybe not as much as I do. For them to need me a little, is enough. They say, "Actions speak louder than words." It is true. However, isn't it nice to hear them say it once in awhile? Maybe I expect too much of them. Too much that it requires them to be the person they are not. But I think we can all make adjustments if we want to. As matter fact that is how human race survived, right? Adapting to the world they live in, blending in with people and going that extra mile.

At last. . .

2006-10-30T19:09:00.000Z

I have updated my dear blog. Haven't written anything here in almost 3 weeks.

Latest about me:

-I'm already 18. Yeah just celebrated my 18th birthday last week. I didn't do much. My family and I just ate in a resto and I went shopping. So much for a debut. lol

-I just had my one week off from college and ofcourse what did I do, WORK WORK WORK. I really want to save money for next year. But I can't seem to save enough.

-Why can't I save enough? Because I'm planning to change my wardrobe (what the heck?) Okay this whole turning 18 thing just made me feel I have to start wearing blouses. Not that I don't wear them but my usual attire is a shirt with a catchy print on it, jeans and chucks. I'm just trying out a new style. lol

-College same same. I have to be more serious with my studies because I am definitely slacking slacking and procastinating. Not good *tsk tsk*

-Love life? Well, I'm not sure about that. I don't want to write anymore dramas for now. Enough is enough.

-I am sort of active in Teentalk again.

-Current addiction would be: One Tree Hill (season 4), Charmed (series 7), Smallville (season 6) and More than Anyone song by Gavin de Graw.

That's it for now. Thanks for all those people who visits my blog. *wink*

his birthday my excuse

2006-10-08T22:13:00.000+01:00

Two more hours and his birthday would be over. I called him up 3 times today. I figured it's his birthday, a special day that only comes once year, so I called him 5 past midnight, around 11 am and later in the evening when he's already pissed (Philippine time). Then I just felt horribly sad. I realised how desperate I am to be a part of his special day.

I am practically forcing myself into his life and he is nice, too nice I would say, to say anything about it. He always tries to undrstand every fucked up thing that I do. It's a good thing, right? But why don't I feel good about it? Why can't I just be as cold as he is? Why can't I hide my pain easily? How the hell can he do that? What's lacking in me? I have all this fucked up questions in my mind.

No, I do not regret loving him. I just regret the part of loving him too much that it gives me pain. More pain than I could handle right now. I know he has his own share of pain but not as much as mine, that's for sure.

Wasn't I worth the tears, just few tears and traces of sadness? Am I not a loss to him? I don't expect him to mourn over our break-up. Just little hints of loneliness will do for me. Is that too much to ask for?

Who am I kidding? He is NOT that person at all. It's NOT him. So maybe it really is too much to ask for.

This feeling sucks. I totally suck for succumbing to pain easily.

Missed ranting

2006-10-06T21:55:00.000+01:00

I missed blogging and RANTING.

Not much happened to me this week.

Okay except for the car crash incident last Tuesday. We were on our way to a business conference when our coach bumped into the back of an old lady's car who tried to swerve into the lane where we were. I didn't see what really happened but it scared the life out me. It was the first time I was ever involved in a car accident. THANK GOD no one got hurt and that lady was lucky to be alive as well!

Our teachers are trying to re-schedule the trip and if they can't then we'll have a full refund. That's fair enough for me. I think my excitement is a little too much that it jinxed our trip. I was so thrilled not about the business lecture but the Alton Towers where we're supposed to go after the lecture. *sad*

I know I should shake that feeling off and just be thankful that we are all ALIVE!

College is getting crazier every day. So far all my tutors have positive comments about me. Just today, I won a PEN! *jumps up and down* We were doing this crossword puzzle in our accounts subject. It's all about the accounting terms we learned the past 2 weeks and I was the first one to finish. Of course I got them all right. And my accounts teacher, who by the way was my crush last year, gave me a pen as a prize. Then the class applauded me. Embarrassing. They told our teacher that the prize was not even worth the effort. But it was fun though.

Not in the mood (at all)

2006-09-30T09:44:00.000+01:00

Okay today is Saturday and I should be enjoying weekend after a hard week's work in college. But NO! I have to go to work. Today and tomorrow. I'm slowly losing my motivation. I feel like I have no reason or such to go on.

*change topic*

Today's my friend's 18th birthday. We've had a lot of fall outs in the past and she didn't expect that I would greet her today. Just before I went to sleep last night, I thought about how many times things went wrong between us and you know the best part? Those times when our friendship manages to survive from the fall. I'm not physically with her but she knows my heart wishes her well. HAPPY BIRTHDAY my dear friend. :) I haven't said this for a long time, I LOVE YOU!

*Advertisement is OVER. Let's continue the rant!*

As I was saying, I don't want to work anymore. But I know I have to. So many things bother me and my head is all over the place. Every single day, I feel like I just have to get over it. All I do is do same stuff, feel the same freakin' way and wait for the day to be over. Could my life be anymore pathetic than this?

I know I know. It's all up to me to do something about it. But I could rant and complain about things right? It's my blog anyway.

*End of rant.*

*my heart's cries*

Ano na? Nasan ka na? Ano na nangyayari sayo? May balak ka pa bang magparamdam?
Hindi ko alam kung kailan ako mapapagod sayo. Halos sa lahat ng bagay napapagod ako pero sayo, KAILAN? Gusto ko ng sumuko dahil isinuko mo na ako. Pero PAANO? Paano ko nga ba gagawin yun? :'(

Nakakainis!

2006-09-28T21:48:00.000+01:00

Naiinis ako. Naaasar ako. Galit ako.

Bakit ganun? Ano pa bang gusto nilang mangyari? Hindi naman lingid sa akin na ayaw nila (ng magulang ko) sa taong gusto ko. Pinilit kong ipaglaban pero sumuko rin ang taong yun sa huli. Ang hindi ko lang maintindihan kung ano pa ba ang gusto nila gawin ko. Malinaw na ang katotohanang WALA NA KAMI. Sobrang linaw na nabubulag na nga ako.

Pinangako nila sa akin na ibibili nila ako ng ticket pauwi ng Pinas next year. Iyon ang regalo nila sa akin para sa aking ikalabing-walong kaarawan. Pero parang yatang nagdadalawang isip ang tatay ko. Iniisip niya na makikipagkita lang naman ako sa aking EX boyfriend. DIYOS KO PO! Hindi ba nila naiintindihan ang ibig sabihin ng salitang EX.

Pinipilit kong maging mabuting anak sa kanila. Alam kong marami akong naging pagakakamali. May mga bagay akong ginawa na ikinawala ng tiwala nila. Pero yung isipin nila na ganun ako kababaw na tao. MASAKIT PARA SAKEN. May pamilya akong naiwan sa Pinas, mga kaibigan kong kasama ko nung mga panahong kailangan ko ng tulong. Lolo at lolang kinagisnan ko. Kaya kung iisipin nila na isang lalaki lang ang nasa likod ng kagustuhan kong umuwi ay kabaliwan na. Inuulit ko KABALIWAN.

May pagmamahal ako para sa mga taong nagpalaki sa akin. Sila na kasama ko habang lumalaki ako. Matagal ko ng natanggap na kaya wala sila nung lumalaki ako ay para na rin sa kinabukasan ko. Ang tanong ko lang, WALA NA BA AKONG PWEDENG MAGING DAHILAN PARA UMUWI MALIBAN SA ISANG LALAKI? Nakakapagtaka bang gustuhin kong umuwi at makita ang mga taong malapit sa puso ko.

Kung hindi nila kayang tuparin ang pangako nila, tutuparin ko para sa sarili ko. Kung kailangan kong magtrabaho ng walang pahinga gagawin ko. Walang makakapigil sa akin. Nasa tamang edad na ako. Hindi ko naman hinihiling na pagkatiwalaan nila ako. Masakit lang isipin na ganun kababaw ang pagkakakilala sa akin ng sarili kong magulang!

A step closer

2006-09-22T18:36:00.000+01:00

Reality bites or more like reality KILLS. Not all people though, just me. I've been avoidng "it" for some time now. And I guess I will be sufferring even more if I continue doing this, running away from the truth that has revealed itself to me.

I had been longing to tell some one about my pain. I know I should stop running away because I can't escape the truth. It will just keep haunting me, causing me sleepless nights and tears. Accepting is hard but letting go is even harder. I'm not even close to accepting so please don't expect me to let go just yet.

But I feel that I am getting there. The first stage to get over with is acknowledging the fact that there is no US anymore. There was, but it's nowhere to be found here in the present. I have the memories to keep me company so don't worry so much about me. You see the strength in me though I sometimes feel like I have none. Bare with me in this process of accepting and letting go. Obviously, it's not my cup of tea.

Hard to believe but I have no idea where to go after this. No freakin' idea on what to do next. Only the first stage of this painful process and I am already stuck. It's always HOW? in my mind and NO in my heart. I think the strength you see is in my heart. This stubborn piece of me that holds on to GOD knows what. It feels something my mind could not process, something logic could not justify. That is the only feeling that seperates me from a living dead. It keeps me alive in some way. And maybe when I'm strong enough just like you I would be able to let go without having to die inside.

It's all about

2006-09-14T23:04:00.000+01:00

Life is all about the choices you make every day. Because they are the ones that will shape your future. Every choice made contributes to that future, the kind of future you want. Life will serve you a plate full of heartaches, pain and tears. But at the end of the day, what is important are the choices you make and how prepared are you to face the consequences that come with those choices. It's not the end of the world when you make wrong decisions. What is more tragic is if you cannot go on with your life because you're too afraid to be wrong, too scared to take the risk. The fear of taking chances and risking nothing will end your life right there and then.

Just a thought I want to share to the few people who visit my blog.

Thanks

2006-09-04T21:12:00.000+01:00

Nothing important or even interesting happened to me today. Telly, laptop, eating, lying on my bed, just another lazy day of mine. I'm enjoying my last days of laziness because college will start SOON (on Thursday actually). I'm kind of excited and nervous. So there, nothing really new about that feeling. Why do I even blog it?

I have been sort of inactive in TEENTALK. I'm still visiting the site but not really replying on my thread. But when I did read the messages of fellow teentalkers, I got so overwhelmed. I didn't expect that kind of concern from online friends. I would have to say that they are the best I've got, really. I have never talked to anyone the way I talk and share my life to them. Well, not in the online world atleast.

A message to my dear fellow TEENTALKERS:

Salamat talaga sa inyong lahat. Especially those people who are very close to me. I am so grateful that I have discovered Teentalk. You guys are GREAT. I do not know how to express in words how thankful and lucky I am for having friends like all of you. Don't worry babalik naman ako. Like what I've posted in my thread I just need some more time. Love you all. *mwuah*

Better!

2006-09-03T12:38:00.000+01:00

Today I am feeling much better. Not that everything is okay. They are still not the way I want them to be. But I have to say that it's better. I do know things won't always turn out as you planned it but in the end it'll all be for the best.

We're going to my inaanak's 1st birthday today. And I've got no gift for him. I wasn't in the mood for shopping in the past few days, which if I may tell you is a very serious symptomp that I am in deep depression. Because there are only few occasions, I will say VERY few occasions that I lose my interest in shopping. That's why I'll give him money na lang. I am going to enjoy myself, I will try. That's my randomness for today.

Untitled

2006-09-01T20:35:00.000+01:00

It happened all so fast. I don't understand any of it. I feel like I am left behind with pain and only pain and that I am expected to deal with it ALONE. It is too much to handle for me. Too much pain, too much confusion, too much of every thing. I know there's a lot of people out there with far more disturbing and worse situation than mine, but can you blame me? Can you tell me I'm a self-centred, selfish person when I feel like my whole world has fallen apart? An exaggeration? Maybe. But you don't know the whole story. No body knows where I'm coming from. I want to share but I'm not ready. Not prepared to reveal the truth which I haven't accepted yet. In denial stage? YES I AM. Depressed? YES I AM. I am nothing but a lost little girl who badly wants to find her way home.

I've already cried my eyes out, still it doesn't go away. Looks like the pain has made a wonderful home in my heart that it doesn't want to leave. EVER. This is such a pathetic entry, I know. But. . .

"I did not expect too much."
"I have ALWAYS wanted to be there. Too bad I could not considering the circumstances."
"This is NOT what I want. This is NOT what's right for me and at the moment it NEVER will be."
"No, I do not want to find anything only to lose it in the end."
"I feel pathetic, helpless and weak. You're partly to blame for that and the rest is on my account."
"Yes, I am angry of what's happening and how stupid I am to make myself this vulnerable."
"This is nothing compared to what you're going through, I do know that."
"I am fighting like hell to salvage whatever is there that could be saved."
"I am doing everything that is humanly possible because I couldn't give up just yet."

Lastly. . .

"I am clearly losing it."

Helpless

2006-08-25T21:38:00.000+01:00

That's how I feel. That's how he feels.

When some one is dear to you, all you want to do is to comfort them in difficult times, share the happiness they feel or just simply be there for them. Unfortunately, not all people can do that. Not all people are given the chance to do that.

No matter how much I tell myself that I am doing my best, a part of me still feels helpless. How would you deal with the feeling that you can do NOTHING to help? But it's not the case for me. I am doing something for him, atleast something but it feels like it's not enough. No, it's not him. I am making myself feel this way. People close to me set their expectations high enough but I realised that my expectations are EVEN higher than I thought.

Lately, I am kinda lost. It feels like I cannot find my way through life. It's just a phase, I keep telling myself. All people feel helpless one time or another in their lives. But it seems often in mine. Sounds pathetic, I know. I also know that no matter how often it feels this way, it's no reason to stop or to give up. You continue to fight because the moment you stop is the moment you stop living your life.

Nothing but ordinary

2006-08-23T19:40:00.000+01:00

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But guess what. God says something about this...

"NO not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone, with giving yourself totally and unreserved to Me, with having an intense personal and unique relationship with Me alone; discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you can not imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you. You keep watching Me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing and learning the things I tell you.. You just have to wait. That's all.

Don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or that I've given them. Don't look around at the things you think you want. You just keep looking off and up to Me, or you will miss that I want to show you.

And when you're ready. I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any other that you would dream of. You see, until you are ready and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the LOVE that exemplifies your relationship with Me this PERFECT LOVE.

Dear ONE, I want you to have this wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh, a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, and perfection, and Love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I LOVE YOU utterly.

I am GOD. Believe and be satisfied."

A man's got to do what a man's got to do; what man ought to do? It’s to DECIDE...whom to follow, what to do, what to feel, what to be. Everything in life is a matter of decision. And every decision is lifted up according to God's purpose.

-I got this article from a CFC website last year. The first time I read this I cried my eyes out. It made me realize important things in life. I hope this would inspire you too.

I am un-outre.

2006-08-17T15:48:00.000+01:00

Oh my first entry, should be worthwhile you would think. But sorry because I can't think of anything inetresting to post right now. I'm just glad to have a NEW blog and I promise to try to update it regularly.

About the title:

Outre means highly uncoventional, eccentric and bizarre. The prefix UN simply indicates that I am the exact opposite.

I'll post more un-outre thoughts later.

*still fixing this blog*